The Married Couples Intimacy Store
(909) 576-9561

The Married Couples Intimacy Store
(909) 576-9561

Let's Talk About Sex
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We've not found a comprehensive study on the frequency of it, but, anecdotally, we are certain that we are not always expressing our apprehensions or desires in terms of what is happening sexually in our marriages... or not happening!

It is essential that couples meet on these issues as with issues of finance, parenting or other areas that affect their lives.  Communicating our desires as well as establishing our limits for sexual activity breeds confidence and liberty that makes lovemaking more enjoyable, meaningful and desirable.

A few points to make the communication more successful:

Discuss boundaries somewhere other than the bedroom.  Our discussion is apt to be more productive and structured if we are at the table or on the sofa.  The discussion may lead to 'other things' in the bedroom finding us not finishing the business at hand (wink wink nod nod).

Establish ground rules for dialog.   Whether or not you are a person of faith, sex ethics can get tricky.  It is important to know the following:

(1) We may not get everything we want,
(2) it is important to not be judgemental of a spouse's choices,
(3) it is important to appreciate the level of vulnerability and transparency the exercise requires and to respect that,
(4) ideas of sexual preference that are rejected should have some reason for the rejection offered and then you quickly move on to the next idea or area of conversation and
(5) healthy couples recognize that no spouse should be coerced into doing what they don't like and each spouse should be willing to consider what brings the other pleasure within the constraints of faith and shared morals. 

Consider creating a questionnaire together.  Sit down together and try to conceive of all the areas that make up sexual exploits...even if you don't currently engage in them.  Talking sexy(dirty), oral sex, anal sex, wearing lingerie, experimenting with different sex positions, using sex toys for him, using sex toys for her, places you might have sex in and out of the home, best times of day for sex, etc.  Create spaces for the answers or options that can be selected.  For instance, one of the questions might be 'Which of the following words are okay for us to use during sex?'  Then you would list all of the words you can think of that might be used and leave space for words you may have missed.  Once you've created the questionnaire, you both complete it. 

Agree to resume the dialog at some specified future date.  It may take some time, research and consideration before complete agreement is had.  Understand that going in to the exercise and be prepared to break and meet again.  In the ideal scenario, you are having a good time and will want to continue as soon as possible.

The timid may find it difficult to open up about sex.  The other spouse must work hard to help them feel at ease sharing and being transparent about their views, desires and emotions.  So come on...let's talk baby!

Please contact us at for questions or comments about this article or issues related to marriage and sex.  Please visit our store for married couples intimacy products!

Communicating Boundaries
Husbands and wives must agree on the rules and boundaries of their sexual activity. It is destructive to ‘guilt’ or to coerce your spouse into sexual activities to which they are opposed or that cause them discomfort. However, sex is best when each spouse is selfless. Each lover must proactively seek to please the other.

We believe, in no uncertain terms, that viewing pornography is destructive to healthy relationships. It is addictive and creates unrealistic images of what sexual intimacy should be. These images are opposite of what sexual intimacy was divinely designed to accomplish.  Rather than being selfless and promoting intimacy between two individuals, pornography draws the mind and heart of spouses from one another into a fantasy world of imaginary characters.

If you or your spouse are addicted to pornography, we recommend you visit  Get help.
Shut Up and Talk: Initiating A Difficult Conversation
One very real and indispensable tool in our marriage - all marriages - is the ability to know how to start a conversation without having it be immediately threatening to the other spouse. Using a phrase that focuses on me, 'I feel...' versus beginning a phrase 'You...''...seems to diffuse the potential of a conversation as being accusatory or focusing on blame rather than resolution.

It helps, also, to avoid absolutes such as 'You never...' or 'You always...'. I try to remember to own my faults or failures. I try to remember to acknowledge my faults/failures in our conversations about things that may need correction or attention in our relationship.

Rather than framing the issues as failures or faults, try to highlight the opportunities for improvement or enhancement. This way we are moving toward a positive goal and not just trying to escape a negative place...this really does help our focus. In other words, as we move toward improving an area of our sexual relationship (or any aspect of our relationship), we remind each other '[This] is what we are aiming for...' as opposed to 'We shouldn't be doing that...'

The first statement typically causes us to look at a set of behaviors that need to be modified. The second statement typically finds us looking at one negative behavior and expending a lot of energy trying to correct it. Often, relationship issues are a set of behaviors, root causes and/or events requiring attention or change.

Finally, there is the issue of tone. Our words don't matter if we're screaming them! Controlled and measured speech laced with a slight smile, direct eye contact, and body language that says 'I care about your input'...will get you further faster than any outburst. Unfold your arms. Speak slowly and softly.

When that urge comes to explode your thoughts onto your spouse, just shut up...and talk.